I Can’t Be the Caregiver Anymore: How to Transition from Your Role
Becoming a caregiver to an older loved one is a big commitment, and like other commitments in life—wedding vows between spouses, the responsibilities of parenting—it can often feel binding. Many of those who become caregivers do so with the intentions of staying in this role until their loved one passes away.
However, this is not always possible or realistic. There are any number of reasons why you may have to step back from your caregiver role. Maybe childcare or work demands increase to the point where you no longer have enough hours in a day to be a caregiver. Maybe you experience an unexpected change to your health that prevents you from carrying out your responsibilities. Maybe the amount of care your loved one requires is beyond your skill set. Or maybe caregiving is taking such a toll on your mental health that you’d be sacrificing your own wellness by continuing.
All of these reasons are valid, but it can still be hard to leave such an important role. You may feel like you’ve failed your loved one, or that you’ve disappointed or didn’t meet the expectations of your family, or even yourself. Remind yourself that your needs and wellbeing are just as important as anyone else’s, and situations that are no longer working deserve to be reevaluated. Before any changes are made, consider following these tips to make this difficult decision a little easier on everyone concerned:
1. Discuss your decision
Just as you wouldn’t leave a job without giving notice, it’s important to inform your loved one and any necessary family members of your decision and the reasons behind it, if possible. Whether you do this in one big group or individually is up to you and what works best with your family, but it’s important not to leave key people out, or they may feel blindsided.
It can help to prepare discussion points ahead of time, and plan for questions you feel are likely to be asked. Caregiving can often be a sensitive topic, so there may be negative reactions to what you have to say. If the discussion leads to a serious conflict, you may want to consider family counseling services. Elder mediators specialize in helping families work out these kinds of difficult caregiving decisions and may be a helpful resource to look into.
2. Plan for next steps
One of the most common questions that comes up in this situation is “If I’m not providing care anymore, who will?”
There are many possible answers to this question. Maybe another family member or friend is willing to step up. Maybe hiring a professional home health aide would help. Maybe tasks can be split among several professionals or services. Maybe assisted living is an option worth considering.
If these conversations were had in the past when you first took on your role, you can revisit points of consideration, introduce takeaways from your own caregiving experiences and, most importantly, be guided by your older loved one’s preferences for what they want, if they’ve stated them now or in the past.
If this is your first time having this conversation in-depth, you may need to take the time to research what services exist in your area. The Administration for Community Living’s Eldercare Locator is a resource that can help with this. If you’re looking into home health or assisted living, there are many online tools that can help with your search, such as Assisted Living Locators and Medicare.gov’s Home Health Compare.
3. Avoid leaving your loved one’s care in the lurch
An emergency may require you to stop your role on short notice, but otherwise, arranging a transition period can help in avoiding disruptions to your loved one’s care. While it’s important to consider how long you will need to implement the next steps you and your loved ones are moving forward with, it’s equally important to factor in your own schedule. If you need to leave the role by a certain time, stand by your needs and establish your timeline to meet them as best as you can.
4. Consider alternate ways of helping
Just because you’re no longer the primary caregiver does not mean you no longer have a role in caring for your loved one. There are many ways you can still continue to help, whether it’s by calling to check in or by running errands during your time off. If your loved one transitions from in-home care to assisted living, you can also help by being a contact for staff or visiting your loved one to provide companionship.
5. Turn to professionals for guidance
If you’re struggling with your decision, encountering obstacles in outlining next steps or are continuing to clash with family, it might be time to turn to professionals for support. Geriatric Care Managers are a great resource in this situation, as they specialize in evaluating care needs, coordinating services and developing both short-term and long-term plans to support both older adults and their families. Care coaching services like Benjamin Rose Institute on Aging’s WeCare…Because You Do can also help to support you through this process and create a plan for your loved one’s future care.